I never liked shopping, and I like it even less here in Seoul, where nothing fits and shopkeepers shadow your every move as you try to squeeze into yet another undersized pair of pants.

Sizes in Asia are generally smaller than… well, than anywhere else but Italy maybe. But after a year here, my beloved Gap jeans are beginning to blow out on me, and with Christmas here it means it’s time to hit the mall.

Seoul is a flashy place, and most folks have at least some semblance of fashion sense. Walking through the mall is like running a gauntlet where the eyes of Korea’s young and hip pierce your soul and lay down their judgement. What’s worse, in Korea there’s this custom where store employees feel it necessary to stalk your every move as you peruse their selections.

Most often I’m looking at one of two things, sizes and prices, and more often than not one of those two ends up defeating all my efforts to look passable here. Doomed from the start.

And if it isn’t the cost, or the fit (or lack thereof), it’s the style. Take ties. In Korea, a lot of men go in for sparkles. There’s literally glitter flecked across all the ties here, or on the asses of jeans. I just can’t go there.

Most times I go with my wife, and while she’s got great fashion sense, bless here soul she can be the pushiest woman I’ve ever met. And so I’m standing there holding these pants that I know won’t fit and that I can’t afford, with the attendant looking on as my wife shoves me into the dressing room. “Try them on, come on, they’re great.” It’s humiliating.

Of course there’s always Itaewon, land of big sizes. Across from the main U.S. military base, most clothing shops cater to the needs of those with slightly more girth to them, or to the hip-hop crowd. Shirts on display look more like bed sheets and I’ve seen pants that could pass for parachutes. It’s the only place in the country where someone with size 13 feet can find shoes that fit.

The other thing is that a lot of the clothes they carry were purchased in bulk at places like Mervyns or Ross. You can still see the original tags, with the inflated Korean price pasted across. So my options are either looking like an overstuffed glitter ball or like I shop at the PX.

Pretty dismal.