It’s good to know that despite the colossal mess the country’s immigration system is in, the government is working overtime to fix it.

For example, coming up with something like ICE Scheduled Departure Program for non-criminal fugitive aliens.

It’s so simple, it’s brilliant.

In a nutshell you turn yourself in and you deport yourself. In a tottering economy, you save the tax payers thousands of dollars. And you have the privilege of deporting yourself.

Ask not what ICE can do for you. Ask what you can do for ICE. Like its job, I guess.

There’s even a handy 1-866 toll free number you can call if “you are an immigration fugitive and have questions about whether you qualify for the Scheduled Departure Program.”

I didn’t dare try it out but I imagine it could go like this.

“If you are an illegal immigrant please press 1. Para Espanol marque dos.

You have pressed 2. Please state your name and address clearly after the tone. An ICE agent will come by shortly to detain you. Thank you for your cooperation.”

But suppose you pressed 1.

“If you are an illegal immigrant with a valid ID please press 1.

For quality assurance purposes an ICE Agent may monitor your call.(That’s your FISA dollars at work)

Please enter your 9 digit Social Security number followed by the # sign to see if you are eligible for this special limited time self –deportation offer.

Thank you for using Self-Deport. We hope you had a pleasant stay in the U.S. and we wish you a safe onward journey.”

Indians, being notoriously cheap and ever willing to exploit the government for a nickel and dime, my friend wondered if the self-deport scheme extended beyond Mexico.

“Could I somehow get a free ticket to India?” he wondered. “Airfares are getting really expensive.”

I had to disillusion him. The government isn’t going to pay your way home. In fact ICE suggests you show up for self-deportation with “Any flight preparations that may have been prepared or requested.”

If you really want someone to pay for your deportation, according to the New York Times your best bet these days would be a hospital.

Of course you could always just drive across the border back to Mexico if you really wanted to deport yourself. But please consider self-deportation. It’s easy, it’s convenient, and you can do it yourself. It’s the ultimate example of American can-do-ness. Americans install their own kitchen cabinets, fix their own cars, build their own patios. They have self-service everything from teller machines to coffee.

Now you have self deportation. How much more American can you be?

Immigration stories by New America Media