The election is practically upon us. We’ve seen the debates, the ads, Saturday Night Live. We’ve heard the pundits, the spin doctors, the candidates.

Still an Associated Press-Yahoo News poll of likely voters finds that one in seven voters, 14 percent of the total said they were undecided.

Come again? It’s not a sandwich, folks where you have to decide between rye, whole wheat, white, multigrain, English muffin. And then you get to Swiss, Cheddar, Jack. It’s just two options.

Even Joe the plumber has made up his mind. What are the rest of you waiting for? To stare into your teacups on Tuesday and see what the tea leaves spell?

“Undecided” like Asian or Latino has become the new voting bloc. And I realized that just as Asian covers a multitude of groups (Vietnamese support McCain, Indians are pro-Obama, Chinese are kinda split), undecided is another umbrella term for a whole range of people.

That’s the problem – we were thinking of undecided as monolithic. Instead it’s really a many-splendored thing, a rainbow coalition.

1.The undecided who are just going to stay undecided. That’s a political affiliation like Republican, Democrat, independent. They aren’t waiting to make up their minds, they’ve read everything, heard everything they want and they are going to toss a coin in the polling booth.
How to make them decide – You can’t. Give them a coin with two heads.

2.The undecided who are still waiting for that one last sign. Will either candidate utter the magic word that will clinch the deal? But no one knows the magic word. For example, you could be a McCain supporter who thinks that if he hears him say “Joe the Plumber” one more time, he will vote Obama. Or an Obama-leaner who is still Googling “Obama” “Muslim” one last time.
How to make them decide – Hypnosis. Subliminal message. Rearrange the coffee grounds to form the name of your candidate.

3.The undecided who is undecided about whether to vote at all. It’s going to depend on whether it rains or not, how long the line is, parking and do I have time to pack lunch.
How to make them decide – Hand them the “We recommend” voter guide right as they leave the house. (Offer a ride)

4.The undecided who haven’t watched the debates, read the endless analysis and have just generally switched out. And they don’t intend to start reading now.
How to make them decide – Stuff the voter guide into their hands as they leave the house. Repeat your candidate’s name endlessly preferably in a catchy ditty on the way to the polls. Trick them into going to the polls first.

5.The undecided who has actually decided but is just not telling. They are being coy. Maybe they just find Sarah Palin hot and think if she becomes Veep they’ll see more of her for four years. And who wants to see more of Joe Biden? But they are too embarrassed to admit this to colleagues who are talking about Supreme court vacancies and Iraq pullout.
How to make them decide – They’ve already decided. You just don’t know about it.

6.The chronic undecided – you know the kind. They research airfares endlessly on Travelocity and Orbitz and Cheaptickets but they just can’t decide between the 10:05 AM flight or the 9:45 AM flight. Should I do United or American? Should I commit to it now? What if the fare goes down tomorrow? Should I wait one more day? Just in case Delta has a deal.
How to make them decide: Just let them be. It’s a condition.

Or maybe all this indecision is just an allergic reaction to eight years with The Decider! All I hope is I am not stuck behind one of the undecided on Tuesday.