The Persians are coming. I don’t know too much about the Battle of Thermopylae and I haven’t read the Frank Miller graphic novel but the overriding message of the film 300 was “The Persians are coming” and only 300 brave Spartans stand in the way. Given the timing of the movie, it felt a little like an ROTC ad for the Marines – the few, the brave, the fast, the furious.

The other overriding message is the Persians are gay. The Spartans are kind of gay too in a homophobic, “we are not boy lovers” way. Or as homophobic as you can be when your entire army’s battle uniform is hot pants and cape, so you can just bludgeon the enemy with your abs. (And to think some Marines or reservists got into trouble for posing nude for some magazine.)When the Spartan king clashes with the Persian emperor Xerxes it’s meant to be the clash of civilizations. It feels more like a bar brawl between two gay fashion statements – muscle bear without body hair vs effete sissies with lots of piercings. No prizes for guessing who is what. Here’s a hint – when a weapon flies close to Xerxes’ face, his hand flutters in front of him in a “Not-the-face” kinda way. Only the hard and strong may call themselves Spartan. Umm that sounds like an ad for a gay porn site actually.

Once you’ve gotten over the gay Jets and Sharks having a rumble in Sparta, 300 is a very topical film. First everyone with a turban is evil and should be tossed off a cliff or into a deep hole, even the ones who are just messengers not soldiers. If President Ahmadinejad writes any more letters, I think after 300 no one is going to deliver them.

More contemporary parallels – there is a coalition of the willing here too. And like the current one it’s pretty measly as well. Untrustworthy Brits, I mean Spanish, I mean Arcadians who desert the Americans, I mean the Spartans, when the going gets tough. Meanwhile the cowering Congress doesn’t realize “Freedom isn’t free at all. It comes with the highest of prices. Blood.” Wasn’t that in the State of Union speech before the last Presidential election?

Spartan blood is a small price to pay we are reminded against “Asia’s endless hordes.” And the endless hordes had better watch out – “Spartans never retreat, Spartans never surrender.”

The 300 brave Spartans and their hotpants are the only things that stand between civilization and “the barbarians.” And they make a promise to the world – “we will rescue the world from mysticism and tyranny.”

And they do all this with just 300 hard and strong men. (The movie was obviously made before Donald Rumsfeld got the boot). But if 300 can hold back the Persian masses surely the surge of 21,500 more soldiers can do the job in Iraq. Except here’s the one small problem – in the Battle of Thermopylae, the 300 Spartans were defending their home against the swarming barbarian Persian hordes at their gates. The 21,500 new American troops in the Middle East are the ones doing the surging at the gates of Persia.

Pesky details – on the plus side I am hoping the DVD will include the “Get Spartan Abs in 300 Days Killer Workout.”