Official Participant in the Youth Media Blog-a-Thon

From Feesh Sauce

Sex, eh?

What comes to mind… On any given day, I’d think of, looove, intimacy, passion, porn, bodies, heat, nakedness, Good Vibes, Power Exchange, anything. But tonight, with my ladyfriend miles away and my bed empty but for me, too many pillows, and a stuffed frog…

Tonight, when I hear ’sex,’ all I want is the aftermath. I want the warm glow of holding my lady tight, bodies nekkid and intertwined, shivering from the always-cold-as-hell Daly City night in a crappily-insulated house. Content smiles, that feeling of sweet gratification, soft kisses… Even our squirmy joke-play of ticklish prods to her ribs, or her always-too-cold feet on my legs.

Oh man, the cheese. I think I’m making myself sick — but, it’s true! I’m in lurve. In looove with love! Or more specifically, I’m in love with Laura, and how amazing, secure, and damn good I feel with her.

But maybe I should look at why this is, or how it’s come to be this way? And how does this relate back to sex… Well, for starters, good spooning does not correlate with or necessitate sex, yeah? I mean, you can have one without the other easily. I suppose, what makes me so in love with this womyn and this feeling of being in her arms, is not the sex prior, but everything built up to this moment since we first flirted with each other one+ year ago.

I’m not saying I fell in love with her that first night.

As much as those lesbian U-Haul stereotypes are often common enough, I’ve been jaded from too many broken relationships to still be that naive. No, other than that first night of amazing (admittedly, not entirely sober on my part) flirting and sex, we took it ’slow.’ Partly out of necessity — living eight hours apart can do that. We talked, learned a lot about each other, opened up, joked around, and built up that comfortableness and security before we saw each other again.

I don’t know quite what I’m getting at. Sometimes I wonder if we’d be so close if we ‘waited til marriage.’ Has sex really been a major contributing factor in the closeness of our relationship? Is it the emotional connection we make during sex that leads to us being able to communicate about anything & everything, or vice versa? Noo, I’m sure that one’s gotta be a two-way street…

Oh I’m rambling. Let me sum up: I think, sex can be a lot of things; it can even be nothing. I’ve definitely been hurt by sex, and unfortunately, I’ve hurt someone through sex. And while I’d like to believe that maybe our relationship would be just as strong without sex, I have to admit that it’s something that’s important to me. I’m grateful that I’ve reached a place in my own life, and found someone with whom I can share my body & heart with, someone I can let myself be vulnerable with and still feel hella secure. Sex can be a lot of things, but in one of its ideal forms, maybe it can be that intimacy that strengthens bonds and shares love through simple pleasures…

Blast. It’s late. Maybe this post isn’t meant to have a point, eh? It’s raised plenty more questions for me.