The great recession of the new millennium is, it would seem, greater than I thought. Strange as it sounds, it has somehow expanded, and now it is not only affecting humans, but animals as well.

I’m not talking about dogs starving because their owners cant afford feed, or cats needing to use the same litter for weeks longer than they’re supposed to, or dogs who cant afford to get neutered finding themselves with a litter and forced into marriage. I’m talkin’ about all those exotic anteaters and giraffes and porcupines who are all losing their jobs.

It seems New York got a little trigger-happy with their budget cuts when it comes to wildlife. The states 76 zoos, aquariums and botanical gardens will lose $9.1 million in state funding next year, forcing them to lay off some rather crucial employees. And it’s not the zookeepers.

The Bronx Zoo was so worried about losing furry companions that they made a video and posted it on their website. In the video, the zoo director sadly informs a porcupine that unfortunately, state budget cuts have made it necessary for the spiky friend to be let go.

It seems as if this isn’t too tough a problem to remedy. Just let them go free, and we can all finally be happy for those animals who have for so long been living the unjust life behind bars like Tookie. Unfortunately, if you’re not raised in the wild, I don’t think you’re made for the wild anymore, so that doesn’t seem like it would work too well.

I would say that the situation is unfair to the animals, because they didn’t choose to be locked up all their lives, and now they have nowhere to go and don’t have the ability to live anywhere besides where they’re locked up. But not to worry, they’ll just be moved to other zoos or wildlife sanctuaries.

In fact, I think this it’s a smart move on the states part to save money. Zoos were never a necessity, and though I liked going to them as a kid, I also felt bad for all the animals who had to live their entire lives in captivity, who hadn’t seen any part of the world except the few hundred feet radius they grew up in. In fact, I think every state should take the same measures. But what do we do with all the animals on our hands, you say? Simple. Find a state (possibly the highest bidder?) that has no tourist attraction whatsoever – Ohio, Iowa, Arizona – and make it the “Zoo State”. Build one huge zoo that fits ALL the animals, and turn trips to the zoo into family vacations.
—Silvano Pontoniere