Right now, I would like to take a sec and talk a little bit about the entire steroid problem in baseball. Ok, bear with me faithful listeners. I have a very temporary solution to a permanent problem. Instead of condemning these baseball players for using steroids, why doesn’t some one just start a steroid league?

Kind of like the XFL for baseball just less sucky. The game could be played an aircraft carrier on the middle of the ocean. The national anthem will be replaced by everyone in the stadium standing to their feet and cursing at the top of their lungs. Death metal will be played on speakers throughout the stadium. The mammoth, juiced-out, acne-backed players would get one chance to either hit a home run or kill the pitcher. Each homerun counts for ten million dollars in cash, that would be immediately be transferred by the league into the player’s bank account.

The baseball would be dipped in gasoline and set on fire in the fifth inning. Players will do away with bats and use their fists to swing wildly at the flaming ball in hopes of the ten million-dollar prizes.

The seventh inning stretch will be replaced by the seven inning shoot up where the players will take turns shooting each other in the butt with needles filled with HGH (human growth hormone) and Gatorade.

Any game that ends in a tie would ultimately be settled by an all out fistfight, where the last man standing would be rewarded with the skulls and paychecks of the players that were slain in battle. Hot dogs will cost $90.

Until this idea catches on and finds some funding I guess we will have to deal with the old boring way of playing baseball where you have to hide your steroid use rather than take pride in it.

Who would want to watch the slow as molasses game play of mere mortals, when you can see the marvel at the sheer power and ability of ‘roid-raging gods. Not I folks, I say not I!
—Donny Lumpkins